Pawn (The Pawn Series Book 1) Read online

  I hadn't intended to sleep, and so I was surprised when I felt a hand brush my cheek. "Yallameenara?"

  I opened my eyes. Juleena was kneeling over me. I smiled. "You can call me Yalla, you know."

  She shook her head. "Want people use formal name. As leader, must show."

  "In private then, like this." I gestured. No one was watching. "Yallameenara is such a mouthful."

  She smiled. "Slowest horse half down. Another hour bottom."

  I nodded and began to rise. She helped me. I stretched and looked around. I turned to her. "It's time for you to trust me again." I didn't wait for a response. Instead I began moving to the collection of Arlottan horses. Zana was mixed amongst them, and my tack was sitting to the side. I collected one of the horses I had earlier identified as a leader, saddling him up and leading him away from the other horses. Juleena was watching me.

  "You want pick four?"

  "No," I said. "Trust me now." I began moving my mount south, Juleena watching me carefully. Once I was clear of all the people and far enough from the other horses they might not fuss overly much, I leaned my weight forward. My mount smoothly moved into a trot, and then I yelled. "Hai! Hai!" And we were running!

  Oh, I loved to ride a running horse. I didn't get to do it often. It wears the horses out, but in this case, that was the entire idea. I wanted this horse tired.

  We ran nearly a mile before I turned around in a big arc. Halfway back I asked him to slow down, first a trot, then a walk. As I rode back into camp on a panting horse, Juleena was watching me. I rode up next to her. "Did I frighten you?"

  "No."

  "Are you lying?"

  "Yes."

  I climbed down, gave her a small, friendly push, and began leading the horse back to the others.

  "That horse too tired now."

  "That was the idea."

  * * * *

  Before I was done, I had tired out four of the five fast horses. Juleena wanted to know what I was doing, but I grinned at her and didn't answer. She became increasingly frustrated with me, but she didn't order me to stop.

  An Arrlottan man would never have let me get away with this behavior. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was already beginning to feel my new wings.

  I saddled and climbed onto the last of the fast horses. Then I called Juleena over. "I need all the Arrlottan horses to follow me this time."

  She looked up at me from my mount. She looked over at the assembled horses. She looked back up at me. "No."

  "Trust me. And don't have anyone in my way when I get back."

  "Yallameenara..."

  I smiled sweetly.

  Then, without warning, I backed the horse from her.

  "Yallameenara!"

  Then we wheeled about. "Hai!" I yelled. "Hai!" We ran two circles around the other horses, and by the time I tore through them, they were all ready to follow me. We took off in a hard gallop, directly away from the camp.

  "Yallameenara!" I heard over the sound of a large herd of beautiful horses. I grinned. She had really put something into it for me to hear over all those hooves pounding the dirt.

  I didn't go at all as far, only about a half mile before we looped backwards. None of the other horses vied to take the lead from me. The would-be leaders were sufficiently tired, and they were even more tired by the time we returned to camp.

  I didn't slow to a trot until we were barely fifty yards from the nearest edge of the camp.

  "Yallameenara! Stop! Right now!"

  If she'd run in front of me, I wouldn't have run her over. But she didn't, and we trotted past and right over the edge of the gorge wall, onto the descending path.

  * * * *

  Dusk was a half hour away when I heard footsteps. I was sitting beside the river, leaning against a rock. It wasn't as comfortable as I would have liked, and my butt was growing numb. But I was tired out and didn't really feel like moving.

  "You break promise!"

  I looked up at Juleena. She was scowling down at me. And with that one look, while I didn't recognize what it was, I could feel my wings being clipped.

  Wearily, I climbed to my feet, but I kept my eyes down, resigned to whatever fate she had in store for me. I wondered if she would beat me with her hand or use a whip or stick.

  I'd been on the receiving end of all three in the past.

  "You break promise," she said again.

  "What promise?" I asked quietly.

  "You promise obey. You not obey! I yell stop. You not stop. I very angry."

  She was right, and I had no defense. Not that a defense had ever done me any good in the past. And so I stood and waited for her to begin hitting me.

  And so we stood, one of us -- presumably -- glaring. The other with her eyes down, not quite cowering, although I was sure that would be next.

  "I angry, Yallameenara!"

  "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  "You sorry. Great." She reached out and clasped my cheeks, lifting my face towards hers. "Why you disobey? You promised!"

  "I'm sorry," I repeated. "I forgot I'm just a stupid girl."

  She shook my head a little. "You not stupid girl," she said sternly. "What you forget is promise." She shook me again. "You could die."

  I pulled away, and that was when I cowered, making myself small. "Please don't kill me! I won't do it again. Promise. Promise!"

  She stepped forward, grabbed me by my shoulders, and straightened me up. "I not kill you." She released one shoulder and pointed back at the gorge wall. "The fall kill you."

  "I didn't fall."

  "Could fall. Scared me, Yallameenara. Not scared run. Scared fall. Scared die. Not take you Arrlotta clan die. Take you marry cousin. Take you make peace." She pulled me to her, crushing me against her chest. I didn't have time to hug her before she pushed me away by the shoulders again.

  I understood if she were mad I didn't stop, but I didn't understand why she was mad about the rest. I hadn't fallen. She let me go the first time. This time I knew the trail.

  "I didn't fall," I repeated, very quietly while lowering my eyes.

  "You broke promise. Now what do with you?"

  Take my from my family? Make me marry a boy I've never met? Make me learn words before you'll answer simple questions? I didn't say any of those.

  She turned away. "I'll decide your punishment after I calm down."

  I wanted to ask her where my thanks was. I had solved her problem for her. But I didn't say a word. I was just a stupid girl, after all.

  * * * *

  She didn't beat me. Instead, it was almost worse. She made me stand with my arms straight out in front of me. Then she set a bucket handle into each hand. That wasn't so bad. Then she filled each bucket half full with sand.

  "Stand there," she ordered. Then she walked away.

  It didn't take long before my arms were trembling. But still I held the buckets. I began to waver, and the moment one of the buckets dipped just a little, she called out, "Hands up, Yallameenara!"

  And so I held steady, but my arms trembled. The buckets trembled. They wavered.

  "Hands up, Yallameenara!"

  I held them until I couldn't. Both arms came down together. I didn't drop the buckets, but I dropped them to my sides.

  "Hands up, Yallameenara!"

  I struggled, slowly lifting the buckets into place. I couldn't hold them very long.

  "Hands up, Yallameenara."

  I don't know how long she made me stand there. I don't know how many times she told me, "Hands up, Yallameenara."

  I know at the end, I couldn't lift my arms anymore. That was when she came to stand in front of me. Gently, she took each bucket from me. "Go clean up before bed," she said gently.

  I stepped away, not looking at her, not saying a word.

  * * * *

  In the tent, she tried talking to me. I rolled away from her, burying one ear in the pillow and putting my arm over my head. Some of the adults in my clan snored, and on particularly bad nights, sleepi
ng like this had helped. But my arms were still very sore and tired, and it wasn't comfortable leaving my arm like that. Still, when I didn't respond to anything she said, she grew quiet.

  Eventually I slept.

  I slept poorly. It was hot, my arms and shoulders hurt, and while I didn't realize why, I was upset and sad. I have since figured it out. For the first time in my life, an adult had asked my advice. An adult had treated me like an equal. And I had risen to the challenge. It was I who got the horses down without a scratch. It was I who saw to their needs afterwards -- and that was a lot of horses to care for! But ultimately, in the end, it was that same adult who yelled at me for my choices and punished me besides. And maybe she hadn't beaten me, but a beating wouldn't have hurt any worse than what she did instead.

  I was just a stupid girl, and if I had forgotten that for a while, I wouldn't forget it again. That part my 13-year-old self understood.

  Eventually I slept more soundly, and I didn't wake at first light like I always did. Instead, I didn't wake until Juleena was kneeling beside my bed, gently shaking me. "Wake up," she said. Then she called me a word I didn't know. It was gently said, and as she began calling me that with some frequency, I remembered the word. The word meant, "Darling".

  I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes. Juleena knelt over me, looking down at me with a smile.

  "Breakfast," she said. "Become cold. Up now."

  I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball but slowly sat up. Juleena gave me room to dress. I noticed her bed was already rolled up. I finished dressing and turned to my own bed.

  "I do," she said. "You eat."

  I dropped what I was doing, grabbed my boots, and left the tent. I never said a word.

  We got going shortly afterwards.

  During the ride, I intentionally kept other people between Juleena and me. It wasn't even that difficult. Juleena was accustomed to me riding beside her, and it would have looked bad if she'd pursued me around. And so I rode along, not talking to anyone, not forced to learn more words, not forced to pretend she was anything but what she was.

  Another adult who got to tell me what to do and punish me when I didn't do it the way she wanted.

  Friend? She wasn't serious.

  In hindsight, I realize I was being petulant and petty. In hindsight, I realize as the leader of this group, she must maintain discipline. But during my fourteenth summer, I didn't understand any of that.

  I was just a stupid girl, and while I didn't know the word at the time, I understood the concept. I was a pawn in an agreement between adults.

  I hadn't crossed the Wizard's Gorge to raid the farms of Framara. I hadn't killed anyone. But I was the one being pulled from everything I knew to secure a peace I didn't even understand.

  As a girl of the Arrlotta, I learned many things. I didn't realize it at the time. I learned about horses, about huts, about the dangers of the high steppes. By my fourteenth summer, I could skin a gazelle and harvest every bit that was useable. I could cook the meat, clean and dry the skin, and prepare the sinew for sewing. I could then make and repair my own clothes and that of my father and brothers. I knew how to make tools from the bones and antlers, and I knew how to use those tools.

  I had also learned more about human behavior that I realized. I had learned, for example, if an adult sees you performing a task, that adult is likely to leave you alone to perform that task. Well, unless you were doing it wrong. And "wrong" meant "different than how the adult would do it". Then the adult didn't leave you alone.

  And so, when we stopped for our rests, I saw to my needs and the needs of my mount. For longer rests, I also worked my way through the herd, checking on them, seeing to their needs. I didn't have to do it. The Framarans had been taking care of the horses just fine.

  But while I was doing it, Juleena left me alone.

  But I kept an eye on the food preparation, and when it was ready, I made sure to get in line for my share. Oh, it was the back of the line. I was the least amongst us, after all. But if I got my own plate, then Juleena wouldn't bring one to me. And maybe she wouldn't notice I didn't take any of that disgusting fruit juice she insisted I drink.

  Traveling through the gorge wasn't as fast as the open steppes. And the path back out of the gorge wasn't immediately opposite the path we had descended. And so it took most of the day before we reached our camp for the night.

  I did my share of the work. When dinner was ready, I took my plate and mug and found a space just at the edge of the camp, my back to everyone else. I thought everyone would leave me alone.

  I was wrong.

  I didn't say anything when she sat down next to me. I didn't say anything when she peered into my mug, either. I didn't say anything when she handed me another mug, half full of fruit juice.

  I stared into the mug, saying nothing.

  "You angry done?"

  I didn't say anything. I was never angry in the first place. But I shifted slightly, turning a little further away from her.

  "I see," she said after a moment. "You learn no words today."

  "Why do I need to learn anything at all?" I asked. "I already know everything a wife needs to know. I know how to butcher the game and cure the hide. I know how to cook dinner and make clothing. I know how to take care of the horses. And I night, I know how to lie on my back. It doesn't look that hard to spread my legs at the same time."

  I left her behind, but she figured out enough. "Yallameenara, that not funny."

  I hadn't said it as a joke.

  "Is real question?" she asked. "Why learn need?"

  "I'm not paying with twenty words, if that's what you're asking."

  "You really not understand learn Framaran words?"

  I shrugged. It didn't matter. Yes, I know. I already admitted I was being petulant.

  "Yallameenara, is important," Juleena said.

  I shrugged again. It really didn't matter.

  "You acting child," she said after a moment.

  "I am a child," I said. "I'm just a stupid girl."

  "You not stupid girl!"

  "Stupid enough to think we could be friends," I muttered. I hadn't intended to. I really hadn't. I cringed as soon as I'd set it, sure it would result in another beating. Well, maybe she hadn't heard, or at least hadn't understood.

  "We are friends," she said. "Or at least I want us to be."

  I said nothing but made a renewed vow to keep my mouth shut. I wasn't quite sure why it was harder around her than it had been with my family. I'd never talked back to anyone before.

  Well, that's probably not true, but I'd had any talking back long beaten out of me. I didn't know where this was coming from, but I shoved it down. I shoved it down real hard.

  She said little after that, but she reminded me to "drink juice". It wasn't until we were both done eating, and I was about to get up to wash the plates that she turned me to face her. "Yallameenara, we friends."

  No we weren't. I didn't say that. But I didn't have any friends, and right then, I was pretty sure I never would. And on that, I was more right than not. But I was wrong on some of it, too.

  I stared dully at her, then lowered my eyes, saying nothing.

  "Yallameenara, you no want friends?"

  "You're the clan chief. How can a stupid little girl be friends with the clan chief?"

  "I'm not clan chief. Mother clan chief."

  "You're the chief of this clan," I pointed out. "This is a bigger clan than Three Cats Tribe."

  She cocked her head. "Say again. Slow." So I repeated it. And she echoed, "Three Cats Tribe?"

  "Yes. My grandfather's tribe. We were ten and seven. Now ten and six, I guess."

  "No. Your grandfather Arrlottan clan chief."

  I cocked my head. "Yes. My grandfather is an Arrlottan clan chief, of Three Cats Tribe." I named the members.

  "No," she said very quietly. Then she switched to Framaran, but I knew the Framaran word for "no", and she said it. Over and over. Over and over and over. I shr
ugged and was ready to take care of my plate. I was even going to offer a peace offering and do hers. But she pulled me back to her.

  "Yallameenara, you said you clan chief granddaughter."

  "I am. Everyone is the clan chief's son or brother or daughter or granddaughter."

  She turned away, and while I didn't know the words she was saying, given the tone of the words, I was pretty sure she was cursing. I shrank away from her and tried to tiptoe away, but she turned around and saw my reaction.

  "Yallameenara," she said. She stepped closer, and I cowered. "No, no," she said, clasping me by the shoulders. "I not hurt you."

  "You're angry."

  "Not at you."

  I looked down. That didn't usually matter. When the clan chief is angry, don't get in his way. That's what I had learned.

  "Mad at me," she added. I didn't say anything. "Didn't ask right questions. The old man who talked. That grandfather."

  "He was the Black Bear Tribe clan chief," I said. "You thought I was his granddaughter?"

  "Black Bear Tribe bigger Three Cats Tribe?"

  I scrunched my face. "Maybe twenty and two people."

  "Is clan chief all Arrlotta?"

  "No. There's a clan chief for each clan."

  She swore again. "Mother kill me," she said at the end.

  I wasn't sure if she meant literally or not. I couldn't imagine a mother killing her own daughter.

  "Yallameenara," she said firmly, "You not tell anyone. You Arrlotta clan chief granddaughter. That all you say."

  I looked down. "Does this ruin the peace? Is the queen going to make you poison the water?"

  "Will Arrlotta raid more?"

  "I don't know. I didn't know about the raids in the first place."

  "I make big mistake," she replied.

  I shrugged. "Then I won't tell."

  "You no understand. You important. You-" she struggled to find the word she wanted. "You part of promise. Clan chief give granddaughter. Say no more raid. Be kind granddaughter. We promise be kind. He promise no raid. But if he break promise-"

  I stared at her. "If he breaks his promise, you'll break yours." I may be just a stupid girl, but I wasn't really a stupid girl, even if I was only a girl. "If there are more raids, I'll find out when you come to hurt me. Maybe kill me. Will you do it or does the queen do it herself?"